part 2: the truth

to the dedicated reader,
do you remember that I wanted your lavender bookmark back?
have you ever wondered why?
I forgot to explain to you. =p
you must thinking I'm a *insert word here* for wanting it back. =.=
I'm sorry.
I shall explain here. X)

the plan was.. just to meet up with you! XD
and.. to let you know the conclusion I came up during the recovery period.
hmm
well, you know that I liked you right?
when I began liking you, I thought I would like you for real. =.=
I hoped and I believed that my feelings for you would be different compared to my second
because I realized I was only attracted to my second for her.. well, you roughly can guess it. =.=
if she didn't had messed up attitude then who knows it may be different.
anyway, I told myself to put in more efforts in courting you.
I naively believed that if I accompany you slightly more and gift you more, you will reciprocate my efforts. =.=
in the end, I had to endure so much disappointment. >.<

then during first semester of our uni,
my feelings didn't change.
I still went on with the courtship (already stated in previous posts anyway)
but it was worse at that time.
you were busy with your workload
so you paid lesser attention to me compared to AUSMAT times.
moreover, I hardly saw you too.

I got really impatient with all these
so I purposely met up with you and.... made my confession. =.=
the outcome was saddening. =(
I was really sad until I removed you from both Facebook and MSN =/
and I decided to shun you.
wow
I'm sorry if you happened to get discomforted by my silly actions.

so, next was recovery period.
during that period I kept thinking of that day
and tried to figure out what had gone wrong
as well as solutions for it. XD
finally after months I came up with many answers. =D

I realized.. during AUSMAT times,
I wasn't with you most of the time after EE.
whenever we meet.. it's just a hi-bye. =/
we only met up and talked occasionally.
then proceeding semester one of our uni,
no further actions were taken too =/
so, it's not surprising that our friendship didn't progress much. =(

in addition, I also made a promise (February post) for myself that I will avoid getting myself involved in courtship.
realizing all these, I wondered why was I still expecting so much from you. O.o
I finally found my answer.

the answer is simple.
because it's just a word, INFATUATION.
I was only attracted to you all the while.
when I asked myself why I like you,
first thing in my mind is your good look,
for character and attitude wise which I think are the most important.. I couldn't really answer as I actually don't know you very well. =/

so.. if your look is the only solid reason that I like you,
how come I was constantly hurt by your accidental ignorance?
I guess it's due to me who have high expectation by nature.
I always expected a lot from you since I believed that I did a lot for you. =.=
whenever you failed to treat me the way I wanted it,
I tended to be disappointed. >.<

then, why did I get jealous or uncomfortable whenever I saw you mixing with guys?
hmmm
well, it's normal wasn't it? LOL
I wanted you to treat me as nice as how you treat you other guy friends. (like hugging Marcus.... T___T)
but the difference is that now I know there's no real reason to be jealous.
I did nothing to deserve an equal treatment. =(

oh well, actually I was aware of this infatuation for quite some time already before recovery period.
just that I refused to believe it.
I still believed that my feelings for you were real. >.<
that's why I made my confession.
as time passes, I realized one vital thing regarding that day.
I totally forgotten that my initial intention of meeting you at that time
was to find out whether all my actions these while had ever touched you
and as result.. whether you ever have any slight interest in me. X(
in actual that was supposed to be all.

so, how did it continued with me making my insincere confession
and bombarding you with so many questions that in the end made me felt even more miserable? >.<
it must be due to my desperation, and in the end, I was devastated.
I thought I was really sad because.. hey I got rejected!
well, now I realized.. my feeling at that time
was actually disappointment. =(
disappointed because my efforts never paid off. T__T

lastly, my dark side. =.=
it's definitely not convenient to elaborate on this.
but all you should know is that it's the reason for my failure to completely get over you. =/
I hope you know and understand about my dark side.
it's normal for every man so forgive me? >__<

I guess that is all I have to explain. =/
I don't know how you feel after reading this post.
you may be touched =D
you may be shocked =/
or you may be relieved. =(
at least realizing all these now is better than never right?
that's why I no longer find the point of shunning you and got back into talking terms with you.
it's good isn't it?
anyway, it's sad truth for me.
I really want to know what it feels like to have feelings for a person for real. =(

you must be wondering.. why am I telling you all these?
hmmm
I'm not too sure too. LOL
I don't want you to have the idea that I'm still crazy over you
and feeling guilty maybe. lol
but importantly, I just want to be truthful to you. =D

oh yea did you know initially I really wanted the bookmark back?
I was because of the statement behind.
I felt that statement is a lie so I planned to take it back and keep it.
until one day I will return to you when I'm serious about that statement. XD
I know.. it's very dramatic =.=
also, it's really mean to take it back from you so I aborted that idea. LOL
anyway, you lost it. +.+

thanks for reading. =)