Depressed

I screwed up my topic test again.. *sigh*
I often told myself.. I must study very hard so that I'll gain respect from my smartie friends.
But in the end.. I was just too lazy. and I could not concentrate too.
I have no one to blame because I asked for it. I just can't forget about her.
After all, she's the very first girl who mixed with me so much. *sigh*

I'm still waiting for her answer. I don't know I have to wait till when..
I thought of asking her for the answer.. but.. I don't know god is against me or what.. she's just too busy to talk to me.

I just don't have the opportunity to be one-on-one with her. Whenever I see her, she'll be with her friends and as usual, she's hyper in front of them.
Yes, I'm jealous.
But I'm jealous not because she mix with her guy friends, it is that.. she's not hyper front of me.
Whenever I'm with her, she always talk about her problems and so. She'll end up emo-ing in front of me who is also emo-ing.
This is not what I want.
I always hoped that one day she'll mix with me again like how she used to during form 4 and 5.
I really missed those moments. Those moments made me to have feelings for her because I really really love them.
But the fact is she's making me more sad every time after we conversed.

Also, I tried to approach her like usual. But again.. she's too busy to chat with me. *sigh*
She'll always give me a cold reply. It hurts me so much.
Fine, maybe she's too busy.
But.. I doubt I can take it anymore. I don't want to be hurt over and over again.
She always tell everyone that she wants to be happy. So, she expects people to make her happy.
Yes, her will came true. She has her friends who treat her like a princess and she's proud to be treated like a princess. Good for her. I'm happy for her.

But what about me?? I believe I suffer more than her. I'm actually more emo than her. I want a group of friends who treat me like a prince. I want to be happy too.
So.. where do I find my happiness from?
I hope I can share my depression with her but she just don't have time.
I want her to make me happy but she hurts me instead.
What is this.. seriously..
When she's down or unhappy. I try my best to comfort her and I am always there for her. But when I'm down.. no one cares.. including her.
I feel so unfair. I don't think I deserve such 'balasan'.

Man... I'm getting fed up already. I don't think I can bear those pain anymore. She just can't make me happy for real. What I want now is to be happy.
I feel like giving up.. I'm tired.. really tired of those false hopes she gave me.
Unless.. miracle happens again.

*sigh*
What I want now.. is revenge.
I feel I deserve more happiness than her. I want to find my own friends too.. especially girl friends. I hope one day I can be hyper in front of my new friends too.
But this mission.. is way too hard. *sigh*
I shall pray hard for this revenge mission to come true.

Well, actually.. this mission has started already. XD
I have three close girl friends now. One of them.. her name is Ee Tien. A type of girl that I'll like.
At least we are able to tease each other. (LOL) The bonding is there k.. XD
Second one.. she's supposed to me 3rd target XD. She's nice girl. Why? 1st, she don't mind going for lunch with me although we are not really close. 2nd, she told me that she's there for me when I'm alone. LOL So far so good for both of us although she prefers to be with her friends.
and the third one.. nevermind.. XD
Well, although I'm not close to the first 2 girls. But I will try my best to develop our friendship until we become close buddies. I hope they can make me happy.. especially in front of her.
I want to show her I don't need to depend on her for my true happiness.

I complain a lot right? LOL