a new story has begun

the moment of truth had arrived.
we had a bit of trouble finding the right place to talk.
in the end we had decided to go to level 5.
it was very hard to begin the conversation.
I began by asking her whether she gets the message or not.
her answered yes.
and she just.. pretended nothing happened since I told her it was the past.
then..
I went straight to the main question.
whether.. she ever showed any slight interest on me since last year.
her answer is a YES
but yes for being friends.
my face expression changed immediately.
I couldn't help it.
I asked when she found out about me having crush on her.
she said it was end of last year she really knows about it.
but she didn't avoid me to protect our friendship.
she said she prefers to maintain the friendship we are having now.
my next question was, if that time I got my guts and proposed to her.
will she consider me?
again.. she prefers to maintain our friendship.
at most close friendship.
she said the feeling is not there.
she knew that I did a lot for her.
however, she wasn't touched but guilty instead.
she then told me to give up on her and go for other girls instead..
oh my.. it was very hurtful.
next.. I asked her.. about her sms regarding bf with lai surname.
she said she was just replying to my jokes at that time.
there weren't any hidden meanings to it.
I felt really miserable already.
and I proceed to ask her one last question before she went home.
if one day I get confident and come back to propose to her.
will she ever reconsider me?
she couldn't answer me.
I don't blame her.
no one can predict the future.
after the conversation,
she comforted me and gave me a hug.
at least one of my dreams is fulfilled right. =)
then I walked with her all the way to her mom's car.
that was the last thing I can do for her.
I told her that I will delete her from Facebook and msn.
she respected my decision.
later, I asked her through sms.
whether she has crush on anyone.
she said no.
no time to have crush on anyone this year due to stress
well.. alright.
all doubts are cleared.
no more questions to ask.

*sighs*
it is all over now.
it was a sad ending.
for the first time I felt really heartbroken.
I feel like crying.
but one side of me is telling me to stay strong.
it has been a one-sided relationship so far.
oh well.. it's not her fault.
I didn't do much to court her anyway.

so, a new life has begun.
a life without courtship.
a life without friends.
a life without success in academic.
this is the life I'm going to live from now onwards. =(
hopefully I can recover as soon as possible
and concentrate on my studies.
that's all I can do now..
anyone who is reading this post..
pray for me to get well soon. =)

bye bye bye~